In a brave, valiant study against the sugar-loving food conglomerates dominating our kitchen cupboards, Dr Dia Beatez1 of the University of Duncee has proven that sugar is more addictive than crack cocaine.
Using state-of-the-art facilities in Yu Chun, China, Dr Beatez attached pedometers to adult pandas2 and fed them regularly with sugar water for three weeks. Upon withdrawing the sugar solution in place of GMO low-sugar bamboo shoots, the pedometers recorded a staggering 401% increase in the pandas’ physical activity, with the youngest subject Benben even exhibiting tree-climbing activity in search of sugar water, much to the surprise of the team.
The experiment was repeated using 1tsp crack cocaine3 in solution, but failed to elicit the same effects as the everyday commodity—sugar.
Commenting on her findings, Dr Beatez says the evidence is clear cut.
“Pandas share 68% of their DNA with us. Accounting for the small difference in genetic makeup, our pedometer results are still significant. Sugar is more addictive than crack cocaine. It’s a fact.”
The research has yet to be published, but Beatez is driven to enlighten the masses before reporting her results in the likes of Nature and the BMJ, acting in the interest of the public.
“Just as craving ice cream will make the couch potato stand up, walk 10m to the kitchen, open the freezer and dig in to a tub of cookie dough ice cream, the panda too will quadruple its physical activity in search of sugar.”
Other experts echo these findings. An article published last year in the British Journal of Sports Medicine demonstrated that sugar is more addictive than opioid drugs in rats, causing behavioural problems and depression on withdrawal, due to dopamine-related changes in the brain.
“Cocaine? It’s as irrelevant to pandas as it is to most of us in our daily lives,” Beatez added.
These findings come in light of the Soft Drinks Levy sweeping England, which charges manufacturers per litre sugar-loaded beverage produced.
However Dr Beatez insists the government is not doing enough, neglecting the heavy consumption of sugary snacks. “I have had patients come in because they simply cannot just eat two squares of Cadbury’s Dairy Milk—they must finish the pack, all 200g of it.”
Speaking on account of anonymity, a student at the University of Duncee confesses to daily binge-eating of Dairy Milk.
“I used to beeline to Sainsbury’s right after lectures to pick up a bar of that milky sweet stuff, demolishing it before even reaching the library. … Thanks to Dia’s help, I have been taking DIAgram© twice daily and it is a true miracle! I walk down the vegetable aisle now!”
When asked to compare sugar to crack, the student was unable to testify, having never been on the drug.
“I am convinced that sugar is more addictive than any Class A drug, just because Dia says so.”
Inspired by her patients’ success, Dr Beatez has founded the Group for Large Unhealthy Companies’ imprisOnment & Sentencing (GLUCOSE), fighting for the incarceration of “global sugar daddies” and the criminalisation of “sugar-dealing”.
The sugar war, is one to match the war on drugs.
Dr Dia Beatez is a registered dietician, with a Masters in Nutritional Science from the Universidad de Noticias Falsas. Beatez is not a medical doctor, but prefers the title “Dr” and is a recognised expert in the field.
Beatez’ research on pandas was conducted in accordance with the Good Laboratory Pandas and approved by the Medical Religious Church.
Beatez declined to comment on the procurement of crack cocaine for the experiment, but assures it was ethically-sourced from organic, Fairtrade croppers just south of North America.
**DISCLAIMER: This was an article written for April Fool’s Day, 2018. The above article was intended for entertainment purposes only and may include completely fabricated facts.**
Dr Dia Beatez – Diabetes
University of Duncee – Dunce
Yu Chun, Benben – Chinese words for stupid, dumb
401% for April Fool’s
British Journal of Sports Medicine study real, and was criticised in the following article https://amp.theguardian.com/society/2017/aug/25/is-sugar-really-as-addictive-as-cocaine-scientists-row-over-effect-on-body-and-brain
DIAgram© – Mirroring how “experts” who give nutritional advice on the internet often sell their own health products as well
La Universidad de noticias falsas – “The University of Fake News” in Spanish
GLP – Play on “Good Laboratory Practice”
MRC – Play on “Medical Research Council”